Why Victims Don't Seem to Make Sense
- 11 minutes ago
- 5 min read
Curiosity Before Conclusions: Understanding the Hidden Effects of Trauma
One of the greatest lessons I have learned while walking alongside victims of abuse is this:
Many of the behaviors that seem confusing start to make sense once you understand trauma.
Without that understanding, it is easy to misinterpret what we see.
We may conclude that a victim is bitter, unforgiving, dramatic, manipulative, or simply unwilling to move forward.
But often the conclusions we came to about the behaviors are not correct.
This article is not about excusing sin or dismissing personal responsibility.
Every one of us, victims included, needs the truth of God's Word.
We all need wise counsel, loving admonition when appropriate, and encouragement to walk faithfully before the Lord.
But wisdom requires that we first understand what we are actually looking at. We cannot shepherd well if we misdiagnose the problem.
Trauma Changes the Way Someone Communicates
One of the questions I hear most often is this:
"Why does she keep sending so much information?"
Pages of emails.
Long text messages.
Detailed timelines.
Screenshots.
Repeated explanations.
Sometimes she apologizes for explaining so much, only to explain everything again. She may even go back and minimize what she said earlier.
"It really wasn't that bad."
"I'm probably overreacting."
"He isn't going to hurt me."
“It’s not that horrible.”
To someone looking from the outside, these responses can seem contradictory.
When a person has spent years living in an environment where every word is questioned, every memory challenged, and every decision criticized, the brain adapts to survive.
It begins collecting evidence.
It rehearses conversations over and over.
It overexplains because it has learned that every detail might matter.
It second-guesses itself because it has repeatedly been told that its own judgment cannot be trusted.
These are not signs that someone is irrational. They are often signs that someone has been trying to survive.
Looking Beneath the Surface
This is where curiosity becomes so important.
Instead of asking,
"Why is she acting like this?"
we should begin asking,
"What might this behavior be telling me?"
Every behavior has a story.
Sometimes that story is fear. Sometimes it is shame.
Sometimes it is years of manipulation that have quietly shaped how someone thinks, responds, and even remembers events.
Understanding those possibilities doesn't mean we automatically accept every conclusion a victim reaches. It simply means we slow down long enough to understand before we judge.
The Things We Cannot See
Imagine living for years in an environment where your words are constantly twisted.
You express a concern and are told you misunderstood.
You remember a conversation and are told it never happened.
You explain yourself, only to hear that you are bitter, unforgiving, overly emotional, lacking faith, or failing to submit.
Eventually, you begin questioning your own mind.
Then, when you finally ask someone for help, you wonder:
Will they believe me?
Will I make things worse?
Will anyone understand?
What if I'm told to return to something that isn't actually safe?
Fear like that changes people.
When Small Issues Aren't Really Small
Sometimes a victim seems unable to let go of what appears to be a very minor disagreement.
To everyone else, it looks like a simple communication problem.
But sometimes the disagreement isn't really about the issue itself.
It is about the pattern behind it.
Someone who has lived under coercive control often recognizes warning signs that others cannot see. A conversation that seems ordinary and even ridiculous to an outsider may be the beginning of a familiar cycle of manipulation.
Questions that sound harmless may actually be designed to create confusion.
A disagreement may become another opportunity to undermine confidence.
Private conversations may later be repeated selectively or taken out of context.
Over time, a victim learns to anticipate what comes next.
That is why what seems like a small issue can create such a strong emotional response.
The response is not always about today's conversation.
It is often about years of accumulated experience.
Trauma Doesn't Always Look Like What We Expect
People often imagine abuse as constant yelling or repeated physical violence.
Sometimes that happens.
Sometimes it doesn't.
Sometimes an abuser only needs to threaten or become physically violent once. The message has already been communicated: "I am willing."
From that point forward, control may be maintained through intimidation, manipulation, unpredictability, emotional coercion, or fear.
Every abusive relationship looks different.
Every victim responds differently.
Every abuser develops patterns that fit that particular relationship.
There is no single formula.
That is why curiosity matters so much.
What I've Learned
This phrase by Chris Moles is so true. “If you've seen one abuse case, you’ve seen one abuse case.”
One of the greatest lessons advocacy has taught me is how little I know at first.
There have been many times I thought I understood a situation, only to learn later that something much deeper was happening beneath the surface.
The more I learn, the less confident I become in quick conclusions.
That posture has changed the way I care for victims, and it has changed the way I think about abuse altogether.
Helping the Church Care Well
Over the years, I have had pastors, elders, and other church leaders ask questions like,
"Why would she make that decision?"
"Why does she seem stuck?"
"Why can't she just move forward?"
Those questions are good questions.
Often, simply understanding how trauma affects thinking and behavior completely changes how they approach the conversation.
Instead of assuming rebellion or stubbornness, they begin to recognize fear.
Instead of frustration, compassion begins to grow.
Instead of speaking too quickly, they ask better questions.
That doesn't remove the need for biblical counsel.
It allows biblical counsel to be given wisely.
Victims are far more likely to hear truth when they first feel heard.
Why HAVEN Exists
This is why HAVEN exists.
Not because we know everything.
We don't.
We are still learning.
Sometimes we discover we misunderstood a situation. Sometimes new information changes our perspective. Humility is essential in this work.
But through years of study, training, and walking alongside victims, we have learned to recognize patterns that many people have simply never been taught to see.
I didn't know these things either.
I often made assumptions and judgments because I didn't realize there were deeper questions to ask.
God has been patient in teaching me.
My hope is to share what He has allowed me to learn so that together we can care for victims more wisely, shepherd more faithfully, and reflect Christ more clearly.
The church functions best when every member uses the gifts God has given them.
Some teach.
Some shepherd.
Some encourage.
Some have developed knowledge through experience that can help the rest of the body minister more faithfully.
May we continue learning from one another.
May we be quick to listen.
May we resist easy conclusions.
And may we always seek to minister with both truth and compassion, just as Christ has
shown to us.