EDUCATION

We often call it spousal abuse. Sometimes we label it domestic abuse. The Biblical term for abuse is oppression. The secular community accepts those labels, and adds intimate partner violence and coercive control to their litany of terms. Regardless of how we label abuse in a marriage relationship, we also need to label it as sin. A man breaks the 6th commandment when he repeatedly and intentionally seeks to destroy the personhood of his wife by oppressing her in a misapplication of his role as her head. He vowed to love and honor her, but instead uses his role to dominate and control her. She is the target of his wrath, and as such, she is belittled, manipulated, threatened, coerced, blamed, scared…and abused. This daughter of the King, one created in the image of God, is now being treated as his enemy…and is now his victim. This sin in a marriage relationship is heartbreaking. Abuse causes much sorrow and distress for the victim, and various abuse tactics create confusion and a warped sense of reality. When a man misrepresents Christ to his wife, he shakes the faith of his victim, distorting her perception of Who God is and causing her to question her relationship with Him (Darby Strickland, Is It Abuse?). Domestic abuse is a dangerous reversal of love, the ultimate betrayal, a great heartbreak, and a grievous injustice in the eyes of the God Who hates oppression. Psalm 72:4, "He shall judge the poor of the people, He shall save the children of the needy, and shall break in pieces the oppressor." Domestic abuse occurs when one partner uses power to control (or to attempt to control) the other partner. Generally harming or hurting another person is not necessarily abuse, but rather, abuse occurs when one repeatedly harms another in the context of “power over” (Chris Moles, The Heart of Domestic Abuse). Domestic abuse can be manifested as physical expressions of violence, verbal assaults, emotional and psychological destruction, and spiritual attacks. (Note: We do not deny that some wives are abusive to their husbands, but the vast majority of situations involve female victims. Therefore, we often refer to the perpetrator as “he” and the victim as “she”.) Sadly, the Protestant Reformed denomination is not immune to the evil of domestic abuse. It is present among us. Whether or not our denomination is “full of it” or “rife with it” is not necessarily the issue, but rather, how can we (and how should we) respond to and attempt to prevent this great evil? Domestic abuse within the Reformed church community is complex, nuanced, and often misunderstood. Questions about submission, headship, forgiveness, and suffering, as well as a traditionally patriarchal culture and a high view of the institution of marriage all shape our opinions about domestic abuse. While those concepts are valid talking points in any discussion on domestic abuse, they are not the only lens through which we should be looking when we consider this important topic. We must broaden our perspective to include: God’s heart for the oppressed, the church’s calling to stand in the gap for the oppressed, servant leadership, fleeing evil, the protection of women and children, criminal acts as defined by the state, abuse as idolatry of self, enabling someone to continue to walk in sin, fruits of repentance, subjugation, and the substance of the marriage as opposed to the status of the marriage. We encourage you to prayerfully utilize our Domestic Abuse Resources and our blog as you seek to deepen your understanding of this important discussion. Isaiah 1:17, "Learn to do well; seek judgement, relieve the oppressed, judge the fatherless, plead for the widow." HAVEN was formed by men and women whose lives have been impacted by domestic abuse and who care deeply for those wounded by this heartbreaking sin. HAVEN does not exist in order to “break up marriages” in our denomination. HAVEN does not seek to cast judgment on consistories or pastors for “getting it wrong.” Rather, HAVEN desires to shed light on domestic abuse, so that there can be a greater awareness and better understanding of this sin and its long-lasting effects in our denomination. HAVEN provides this awareness and proper understanding by coming alongside victims through advocacy, and by supporting elders, pastors, families, and other concerned parties as they address and respond to the evils of domestic abuse. We all share the responsibility to humbly but firmly call perpetrators to repentance and tenderly minister to victims. Although HAVEN’s members are not counselors, we are advocates and educators; offering hope and help, compassion and encouragement as we seek to obey the great command of God to love our neighbor as ourselves. Whether you come to us for help or for resources, it is our hope and prayer that the Holy Spirit will work through us to provide you with the help, hope, and education that you seek. Finally, we entreat you to remember HAVEN in your prayers, asking that God will be pleased to bless others through our work. Isaiah 1:17 “Learn to do well; seek judgement, relieve the oppressed, judge the fatherless, plead for the widow.”   I Corinthians 1:3-5 “Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort; who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God.  For as the sufferings of Christ abound in us, so our consolation also aboundeth by Christ.”