Trauma - A Survivor's Experience - Part 4
- May 4
- 5 min read
In the final part of this series shared by a survivor of Child Sexual Abuse, we look at the lasting and life-changing effects this abuse has on a survivor.
The reality is that this ugliness that is done in secret has lifelong effects on the children who experienced it.
Miss the previous posts?
This article discusses sensitive and potentially distressing topics related to sexual abuse of a child. It may be triggering or unsettling for some readers, especially those who have experienced sexual abuse or assault. Please take care of yourself while reading, and consider pausing or seeking support if needed.
Trauma has become a frequently used word. Words have definitions, they name things, such as persons, objects, actions, or are also used to explain things.
The word trauma summarizes in one word the lasting anguish, shame and desolation a sexual abuse survivor experiences as a result of the abuser’s criminal and evil actions towards their victim.
We may not minimize, deny, or ignore this reality.
Haven thanks Tom again for sharing his experience so we can learn. May we with humility and prayerful hearts read this account.
We pray that those who read it are already or will become those who can safely sit with survivors of abuse giving them the space for talking, tears, and time.
“I am probably the last one that should be writing about trauma given I have very little book knowledge about the subject.
My 6-year-long sexual abuse at the hands of my 6th grade teacher occurred many years ago.
Fifty years ago, at the age of 13 I was raped for the first time. The rapes continued for another 4 years.
Traumatic?
Certainly, and yet trauma was never a part of my definition of what happened to me. Nor, apparently, was it on the mind of any of those who I disclosed to in the church. I
was deemed to be “OK” after all was said and done.
At no point did anyone say to me that what I
experienced was traumatic.
Only a few short years ago when I joined HAVEN and we were all exchanging different resources –
books, videos, podcasts, etc. – someone suggested a YouTube video/speech given by Diane Langberg.
The particular one I refer to is entitled ‘Shame, Sexual Abuse, and Healing’.
Almost 5 decades after being sexually abused I heard a person telling me that what I endured was this thing called trauma.
I was traumatized. It was traumatic.
And this revelation rocked my world.
Of course, I already knew what trauma was.
Trauma was for combat veterans. I have seen the pictures from history war books – the haunting, vacant eyes of the soldier who has seen the most horrendous bloodshed one can imagine.
Trauma was for accident victims. Those who have been in terrible car wrecks and experienced serious injury with lengthy hospital stays have been traumatized.
First responders who come across so many grisly scenes experience trauma.
And now Diane Langberg in her speech announced to me that I have been traumatized.
I have served three 3-year terms as elder in our churches. Throughout those 9 years we were always dealing with at least one case of sexual abuse. When we would be in intense discussions with differing opinions of the best way to deal with an abuser or a victim, I would find myself completely tensed up and hoping that none of the other elders could see my legs shaking uncontrollably. Very few knew my history of abuse. I knew the shaking was because of the abuse, but never did I relate it to trauma and its lifelong effects.
All of the garbage that my abuser poured out on me over six years of sexual abuse became my garbage, or as Dr. Langberg puts it – inflicted shame.
Everything my abuser did to me was obviously shameful for her to do. And yet I don’t believe she was ever ashamed about it.
I took all of her shame onto myself. For example, I kept asking and keep asking – why me? – as though there was something about me or something that I did to bring this upon myself, like I had somehow asked for it or invited it.
Traumatic.
Fight, Flight, or Freeze.
When a person has endured the trauma and shame of sexual abuse the brain becomes wired to react in one of these three ways when confronted with triggers. I have experienced all three.
To fight against my shame, I took up the martial arts for 20 years. I literally beat the air with my fists and weapons to assure myself that no one would ever do anything like that to me again.
I flew away from my shame with drugs and alcohol until hitting rock bottom and giving it all up.
I freeze when I am triggered by my shame. I never know when or what will bring it on and have become pretty good at covering it up so no one knows it is happening. But on other occasions I cannot hide it, those who understand see it, and those ignorant of it don’t know what to think of my strange reaction.
Lifelong trauma.
The war veteran will tell you that the person that went into the war is not the person that came back. Because of the trauma they endured in the horror of war and death the person has been so drastically affected the person they were before the war is gone. This causes much grief and anger for the surviving veteran, so much so for some that suicide becomes a viable solution.
The worst way to handle trauma is to bottle it up and to try to put it away and pretend that it doesn’t exist. This is the natural tendency for victims of sexual abuse. Because it is painful to confront the shame and trauma the easy route is to run away from it. But, in the end, it is not a good strategy.
Talking, tears, and time are what Dr. Langberg presents as a healing strategy in her speech previously mentioned.
I think she is spot on. I find the most healing in getting the garbage out in the open – talking about it and shedding tears over it.
And time. This talking and tears may have to be repeated many times in order to find the healing effect.
This requires people to talk to.
Safe people.
People who understand.
I can immediately tell when I am not talking to a safe person. It’s not that they are necessarily a bad person, it just becomes readily apparent that they are ignorant on the topic of sexual abuse.
They provide simple, even silly solutions.
“Forgive and forget.”
“Move on.”
“You’re OK.”
In much the same way I know when I am with safe people, people who understand. The saddest thing is they understand because they have endured the same trauma themselves or are close to someone else who has.
This is not to say that others cannot understand or cannot learn through education. Dr. Langberg freely admits that she has never been abused, and yet she has more knowledge and experience on the issues than most, having clinical experience that includes 50 years of working with survivors and clergy.
Finding HAVEN of Mercy has been another milestone in my journey of 50 years of living the experience and trauma of childhood sexual abuse. Thank-you, HAVEN, for the many opportunities for talking, tears,
and time.”
Tom Vanderwoude
If today’s post has encouraged you to take time for talking and tears, please reach out to a trusted friend, family member, or to one our sexual abuse advocates.
You do not need to handle these life long effects of trauma alone.
You can reach us by email at sahelp@havenofmercypr.org, by phone at (616) 259-0130 or online at https://www.havenofmercypr.org/sexual-abuse-advocate