Uncovering Emotional Abuse In Marriage: Part 2
- 6 days ago
- 5 min read
This post discusses emotionally distressing experiences. Please read with awareness, if you need to take a break, please do so. If you need to speak to someone about the things in this article, please reach out to a trusted friend, family member or contact HAVEN at dasupport@havenofmercypr.org
Uncovering Emotional Abuse in Marriage
The Dynamics of Emotional Abuse
This article comes from the book ‘Is It Abuse?’ By Darby Strickland.
“Emotional abuse is one of the hardest forms of abuse to recognize. Many of the forms of control it involves are subtle.
We will look at typical tactics that emotional abusers use in a minute– but the key to identifying behaviors as abusive is to see the purposefulness behind the actions.
As is the case with physical abusers, emotional abusers are not out of control but instead are using their words to gain power.
Their entitlement and desire for preferential treatment fuel their behaviors.
They believe they have a special status - that their rights matter most. This goes beyond selfishness.
They have such an enlarged view of themselves that they are capable of seeing only their own needs and wants. They are blind or indifferent to how their demands affect others and don't treat other people's needs and desires as if they are important.”
We met Emma in Part 1, here is more of her experience:
“Phil believed that on his day off from work, he was entitled to play video games all day—and became full of rage when Emma or the children intruded on his downtime. He did not have the vision to see Emma struggling seven days a week with their little ones—her exhaustion and need for a break. He did not enjoy spending time with Emma’s family; so after her parents came to visit, he would give Emma the silent treatment to remind her how miserable they had made him. Eventually Emma learned not to ask Phil for help or have her family over, because the cost of her doing so was too high.”
Tactics of Emotional Abusers
“Some types of emotional abuse are more evident than others–such as those that involve verbal attacks.
This type of abuser rages with his words, even if he says them quietly.
You are ugly. You are stupid. You are a cheater. You are a burden.
Other types of emotional abuse involve accusations that lie beneath the surface–that are not spoken but implied.
Emotional abuse can also be quiet–characterized by profound indifference and neglect”.
“Other manifestations of it are even more sinister. Oppressors distort reality.
Some are irrationally jealous of their spouses or monitor their every move.
Some lie about what they themselves have done and said. Their distortions of reality make a victim feel crazy and doubt her own perceptions.
Whichever way the abuse manifests itself, victims come to distrust their own experiences and interpretations. This fundamentally alters their confidence, leaving them feeling off-balance and unsure.
They say things like the following;
‘I am pretty sure he said he wasn’t coming home for my birthday, but then he did–maybe I heard him wrong.’
‘He is certain that he told me not to use our credit card, but I can't remember him saying anything. I must be forgetting things.’
‘He said that I was mean and mocking. I thought I was speaking carefully.”
“Oppressors use their words to ensnare their own wives for their own personal gain.
The Lord takes our words very seriously, because they point to the condition of our hearts (see Eph 4:29; James 3:1-12). We should be alarmed by what oppressors are seeking to accomplish when they use words that
reject—such as by refusing to acknowledge a victim’s presence, value, or worth. An oppressor can also do this to a victim by communicating that she is useless or inferior or by devaluing her thoughts and feelings.
degrade—by diminishing her dignity. This happens when an oppressor attacks her as an image bearer by insulting her, ridiculing her, calling her names, or mocking her person.
terrorize—by restricting her contact with others or limiting her social activities.
exploit—by enslaving, forcing, or manipulating her to meet his interests.
accuse—by alleging that she has been disloyal or had affairs, unjustly accusing her of sin and failure, or wrongly assigning sinister motives to her.
oppose—by arguing against anything that she says, challenging her perceptions of reality, and treating her like an adversary.
deflect—by switching topics, interrupting, refusing to talk about issues, or accusing her of doing the same things that he does.
belittle—by minimizing her feelings or thoughts so that she is conditioned to believe that she does not matter or is wrong.“
“There is no limit to the sin we can do with our tongues.
The harm that abusers can cause through just the use of words—or the failure to utter them—is always astounding to me.
An oppressor may only employ the tactics described in this section during a conflict, or they may be a constant in the relationship.
Be mindful of how and when these tactics are used—and also of how they shift over time. It has been my experience that once a victim learns how to resist one type of abuse, her oppressor changes his strategy.”
“A chief tactic of emotional abusers that we will discuss is blame shifting. Oppressors want to obscure what they are doing, so they work to create confusion in the minds of their victims.
If oppressors can create uncertainty in their victims about what is happening and who to blame for it, they will be able to maintain control.
Almost everyone who is oppressed struggles with confusion, because oppressors need their victims to be off-balance and disoriented.
So how do we help victims to cut through the clutter? We have to remember that no one can cause another person to sin.
When my husband loads the dishwasher in a way that I do not prefer (I like the glasses to be arranged in a certain way), it is up to me how I respond. I can talk to him about it, rearrange the glasses myself, or even overlook it (imagine that!!). His “failure” to do what I want does not cause me to yell at him or throw a glass at him.
I cannot blame him for how I respond. That is solely on me.”
“Oppressors are masters at acting like victims and making their spouses believe that it is their fault the oppressor is angry or hurt.
They will use verbal attacks that place blame on the victims; “If you weren’t so inept, I wouldn't have to yell!” “Just look at you–you are a crying mess!” “Stop with all the emotional drama!”
These attacks are sophisticated means of blame-shifting that oppressors use to excuse their sin.”
Emotional abuse is a disputed term, but the term doesn’t matter, the behavior does.
We can recognize that the above actions and speech are not the actions of a loving spouse, regardless of what it’s called.
In the next article, we will discuss the key forms of emotional abuse—Extreme neglect and gaslighting.
Does this article strike close to home?
Are you confused about what you are facing in your marriage?
It may or not be abuse, either way you do not need to walk this alone.
HAVEN advocates are willing to listen and help you make sense of the confusion you are experiencing.
If you are interested in talking please reach out by email: dasupport@havenofmercypr.org
or phone: (616) 287-5346.
Or visit our website at www.havenofmercypr.org for more info.
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