Grooming - A Personal Experience - Part 2
- Haven of Mercy
- Jul 8
- 4 min read
Updated: Jul 15
Trigger warning: This post includes personal reflections on child sexual grooming and abuse. The content may be distressing for some. Please take care as you read, and step back and take a break if you need. Your well-being matters.
A Note to our Readers:
This personal story is shared with courage and vulnerability. We invite you to read it with the mind of Christ, slow to speak, quick to listen, and full of mercy. If what you read stirs discomfort, let it move you to prayer, humility, and a willingness to listen and learn.
If you carry pain of your own, know that Christ sees you. He is a refuge for the brokenhearted and near to those who are crushed in spirit.
This account is not given for debate or dissection, rather it is a cry for truth and should be met with humility and the heart of Christ.
Grooming is the preparatory stage that a pedophile uses to gain (but in the end destroys) the trust of a child. Grooming tactics are used to gain compliance and to establish secrecy and silence to avoid disclosure. Grooming pleases the pedophile because it is all about gaining control over another.
My grooming began in 1973, I was eleven years old and in the 5th grade. It was towards the end of the school year – spring time - and there was a combined 5th/6th grade class trip. We went for an outing on a riverboat. A number of boys, myself included, were caught being disobedient to one of the rules on that riverboat ride. Now we would have to face the strict disciplinarian 6th grade teacher for our disobedience who, unbeknownst to us, was also a hard-core pedophile. She made it quite clear in front of all the other children on that day that I was to receive special favor. As we headed into the 6th grade that fall the class was well aware that I was to be “teacher’s pet”.
In a way, she had already groomed our entire class. Her strict disciplinarian tactics were well known by all of us growing up in that school. She was well known for spanking little boys and being mean to little girls. Everybody feared her – you did not talk back to this teacher – her reputation preceded her. This was a part of her grooming tactics. The entire class was under her thumb.
No one dared question her even when her behavior seemed odd – like taking her pet student out of the classroom alone to do special work in the library.
At first it seemed exciting to be the teacher’s pet. I received special privileges that the other students did not get to enjoy. When a study period was given, I was tasked to leave the classroom and join the teacher in the school library to help her with work that needed to be done there. Cutting paper is one example that I can remember, she always had special things that needed to be done in the library. If the library was busy, then she found work that needed to be done in the janitor’s room. I don’t remember much about what work was to be done there, clean erasers maybe, but I certainly remember the janitor’s room. I had no choice. She was the teacher; I was the student. I was to follow instructions and I did, and at first, I trusted that my teacher would never harm me.
The grooming began with making me feel special, but there was much more to it than just the fact that I was picked to be teacher’s pet. There had to be more to this grooming period, right? And there was. In that library she did plenty of talking. I don’t remember all the details now, but I do remember the point she made repeatedly was that I was a cut above the rest. There was something special about me. I was a bit more talented than the rest. I was mature for my age… by this time 12 years old. I had more understanding of the world than the other students. She would tell me I was going to be something someday if I applied myself to my school work and was respectful to my teachers and others.
As time progressed, she began to tell me that I was a good-looking boy and surely all the girls would soon be chasing after me, it was only a matter of time. In fact, she told me that she herself was becoming quite fond of me too. We were certainly becoming special friends, weren’t we? That’s why I should not be surprised when she placed her hand in mine and told me that she enjoyed holding hands with me. Of course, we could only hold hands in the library when alone together. We couldn’t have the rest of the students see our special friendship. That wouldn’t be proper, they would be jealous. I should feel privileged that the teacher was taking this special interest in me. And besides, I liked her too, right? How could I say no? Would I be punished and incur her wrath if I did? What would my classmates say if they saw me holding hands with the teacher? I would certainly be mocked beyond measure! Loss of control, I had no choice in the matter. I look back and see that 12-year-old boy, confused, perplexed, what to do? Quietly nod in agreement although this all seemed very strange.
My grooming lasted for two entire years before the first rape occurred, a significant period of time for my abuser to test me, and condition me for the atrocities that were to come.
As you finish this portion of the story, we encourage you to sit with what you’ve read. Do not rush past the weight of it, but learn to better recognize and respond to this evil and criminal behavior.
In the next post, we’ll begin to look at how abusers manipulate, deceive, and gain control — not to dwell in darkness, but to name it. Christ is not absent in these hard truths. He meets us with kindness, compassion, and care. For where I am weak, He is strong.
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