Uncovering Sexual Abuse in Marriage
- HAVEN of Mercy
- Mar 28
- 5 min read
Trigger Warning:
This article discusses sensitive and potentially distressing topics related to sexual abuse within marriage. It may be triggering or unsettling for some readers, especially those who have experienced sexual abuse or assault. Please take care of yourself while reading, and consider pausing or seeking support if needed.
Ephesians 5:28 & 29 “In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church.”
In the next couple of articles, I’m going to do a deeper dive into sexual abuse in marriage. I will be using direct quotes from Darby Strickland’s book ‘Is It Abuse?’ because, in my opinion, she does a fantastic job explaining sexual abuse in marriage.
“Marital sexual abuse is a broad term that can encompass many heinous and exploitative acts. The worst violations occur when sex is demanded, required, or taken by force–as in instances of rape or forced sex acts.
Other abusive acts include the unwanted intrusion of pornography or implements into sex, undesired sexual activities, peeking, or spying.
Sexual abuse can be manipulative and coercive.
In such cases, an oppressor uses unrelenting pressure or threats to leverage a sexual encounter even after a victim expresses discomfort or refusal.”
“It is essential for us to also clarify what marital sexual abuse is not. Many couples struggle with differences in their sexual appetites and comfort levels. In a healthy relationship, couples can discuss, and even debate their differing physical desires without pressure, fear or rejection.
Spouses should be able to express different preferences without either of them imposing their desires on the other in the form of a demand. Such conversations are good and healthy.
Something else I want to clarify is that not all usage of pornography is abusive.
Both the use and the creation of pornography is always sinful, but it is not abusive unless it is undesired. Mutually agreed upon evil behaviors are simply wrong–not abusive.
Remember that abuse requires coercion.”
2 Timothy 3:2-5 “For people will be lovers of self, lovers of money, proud, arrogant, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, 3. heartless, unappeasable, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not loving good, 4. treacherous, reckless, swollen with conceit, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, 5. having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power. Avoid such people.”
“While this passage is not speaking directly about sexual abuse, the way it describes the actively sinful and self-seeking heart is a profound help to us by identifying why one person sins against another in a self-fulfilling way.
Husbands do not sexually abuse their wives because sex is a biological need for them that their wives are failing to provide.
They do not do it, as many have claimed, to keep from sinning–from straying from the marriage bed.
They do it because they love themselves and their own pleasure to such an extent that they have no self control.
They are willing to be reckless, treacherous, brutal, and heartless.
Their love for themselves knows no bounds.”
Darby gives 9 dynamics of sexual abuse in marriage that I am going to cover in the next couple of articles. I will cover the first 3 in this article.
“Unrelenting pressure
Most couples need to work out differences within their sexual desires and preferences.
This is normal, and it is healthy for spouses to communicate with each other.
But it is unhealthy and harmful when a husband pleads for or demands sex with pressure that is unrelenting.
Women tell me stories of being lectured (sometimes for hours), told that they will be shown no affection unless it culminates in sex, or made to feel responsible for their husbands’ use of pornography.
Sex on demand has become an expectation or a “right” for the husband.”
“My husband never seems to be satisfied. He always wants sex. I feel guilty all the time. He tells me that it is my fault, on the few days that we do not have sex, if he looks at porn; so sometimes I will give in just to protect him from sinning. Other nights, he will wake me up in the middle of the night and beg for sex. I do it, but I am just so tired that it is hard to enjoy– so then he gets upset with me for not enjoying it enough. Morning comes, and he insists that we try again. It is important to him that I show lots of excitement. But I am exhausted. I am not sure if there is something wrong with me. –Tina
“Callous disregard
There are many occasions when sex is neither desired nor reasonable: after an illness, a new baby, a particularly difficult day, or an abusive rant, when there is a house full of guests, or during a painful menstrual cycle.
But instead of yielding his own desires and caring for his wife in a situation like this, an oppressive husband will commonly expect or demand that sex proceed as usual.”
“One time, after gallbladder surgery, we had not had sex for two weeks–and when I went to check out at the grocery store, there was no money on our bank card. Later he told me that I had been neglecting him and that I needed to know what it was like to not get what I needed.” —Jen
“Unwanted acts
When a wife has made it clear that she is uncomfortable with a particular sex act or implement, an abusive husband insists on it and disregards her comfort.
Other examples of this characteristic are when a husband does not stop after his wife says that something hurts or when he films her without her consent while they are engaging in sexual activity.
In some marriages, a wife may be too frightened to even give voice to her preferences.”
“A few weeks ago, he started showing me porn clips and asked me to reenact things in them with him. I try to do it, but it makes me feel dirty– and some of them are painful. I try to tell him that this stuff is not God-honoring, but he says, “you are a prude. God gave me the most frigid, unloving wife on the planet. And if you are not careful, I will leave you for someone who knows how to love me and fulfill her duty with joy”.---Karen
This is a topic that we are very uncomfortable addressing but it must be.
Many people may not recognize certain behaviors as abusive, especially in the context of marriage.
Discussing sexual abuse openly helps to raise awareness about what constitutes abuse and the harm it causes.
It encourages others to recognize signs of abuse, whether in their own relationships or in the lives of others.
If any of this resonates with you or someone you know, please know that you are not alone.
Understanding what constitutes abuse is the first step toward seeking safety and healing.
Darby Strickland’s book Is It Abuse? provides invaluable guidance in identifying abusive dynamics, especially in marriage.
If you need help processing what you're experiencing or have questions, reach out to HAVEN at dahelp@havenofmercypr.org.
For immediate support, you can also contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233 or visit thehotline.org to chat with an advocate.
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