Uncovering Sexual Abuse in Marriage (Part 2)

Trigger Warning: This article discusses sensitive and potentially distressing topics related to sexual abuse within marriage. It may be triggering or unsettling for some readers, especially those who have experienced sexual abuse or assault. Please take care of yourself while reading, and consider pausing or seeking support if needed. 

Ephesians 5:28 & 29 “In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church.”

Darby gives 9 dynamics of sexual abuse in marriage.  In part one I covered a definition of sexual abuse in marriage and what sexual abuse in marriage is NOT. I also covered the first 3 dynamics of sexual abuse that Darby Strickland covers in her book ‘Is It Abuse”.  This article will also be taken right out of Darby’s book. Here are the remaining 6 dynamics. 

“Coercion - While a majority of abusers use coercive tactics, coercion is also a particular type of abuse. Sexual coercion happens when a victim is pressured, tricked, threatened, or forced in a nonphysical way to engage in any sexual activity that is unwanted. An abuser uses either implied or actual threats of future punishment to gain compliance with his sexual demands. For instance, a husband may indicate or state that he will get violent, leave, find another woman, expose his wife in some way, or punish their children. The threats do not have to be spoken; oftentimes wives experience punishments without explanation. For instance, some wives get the silent treatment after they turn down sex. In most cases of this, their husbands do not say, “I am not talking to you because you did not give me sex.” They simply stop talking to them. Coercive sexual abuse can be very confusing, because after being bullied by her husband, a wife may give her consent to sex. The victimized wife is left wondering, “Was I sexually assaulted, or did I agree to it?”

“Bob wants lots of sex. If ever I refuse to be intimate with him, he is rotten to the kids the next day. He becomes so irritable and loud that even the dog cowers. I try to interject and tell him not to be so harsh and punishing. He just barks at me, “If you want me to be in a good mood, it is your job to put me in one.” Many nights I will provide him sex just to spare the children from being hurt. –- Anne”

“Degradation - many women report that their bodies or their sexual performance are a subject of constant and brutal criticism. This criticism can happen privately or publicly–and it is usually purposeful. It can be used to justify the use of pornography. Or a husband may degrade his wife in an attempt to achieve an outcome that he desires. For example, “If you want me to stay faithful, get a tummy tuck–your ‘baby bag’ turns me off.”

“My husband tells me that I need to loosen up and that sex with me is boring. He says that ever since I gave birth he is no longer turned on me–that if I loved him I would work harder to spice things up and stay sexy. I have bought lingerie and tried new things, and even went on a strict diet, but he is never happy. He thinks I should get work done on my breasts to make them better for him. Should I make myself do these things for him to keep him happy? I do not know what I’d do with our four kids if he left. -- Sally”

“Accusations of Affairs - Another form of abuse is when husbands consistently and unjustly accuse their wives of having an affair or being flirtatious with other men. One woman relayed that after a two-hour dentist appointment, her cheeks were red because she had her jaw open for so long. Her husband was convinced that she was blushing and accused her of flirting with the dentist. Other women have spouses who check on them at work, track and monitor their phones, or exhibit paranoia when they have any contact with another male. These accusations, too, can be used as leverage in the sexual relationship–for example, “You must do x to prove that you really love me and not [the dentist, your coworker, or someone else].”  

“When I was out with my church friends, Peter would call me every twenty minutes. Sometimes he would find reasons for me to put one of them on the phone to make sure that I was where I said I was. He was convinced I was keeping a lover. When I would get home, he would insist on oral sex–saying that I needed to prove my devotion to him and help him to handle the “stress of doubt” I was putting him through. – Cindy”

“Using Sex as a Bargaining Chip - Some husbands withhold money, resources, affection, or visits with extended family unless their wives provide sex (or certain type of sex). Both her basic needs and her relational desires are not granted until a wife complies with something sexual or agrees to a specified sex schedule.” 

“My husband will not show me any affection unless he knows that it will culminate in sex. If I reach out to hold his hand, he says, “You know what this means.” He tells me that he cannot help but be turned on by any physical touch and that it is my job to finish what I start. But there are so many times I wish I could just be close to him without having it lead to sex. I honestly do not know what to do. He refuses to listen to me when I try to talk to him about it. -- Rose”

“Technological Abuses -  Technology has opened up new forms of abuse. The most common of these are taking images or video without consent. Some men even share these intimate images of their wives online with websites that encourage image swapping with other members. Other technological abuses include unwanted sexting and exposure to pornography or pornographic images after a wife has made it clear that she does not wish to see them. Many women have told me that their husbands show them pornographic material around in order to communicate a demand: “This is what I would like you to do for me.”

“I would be nursing, and suddenly Chris would inundate my phone with sexting messages. I told him that they disturbed me. He said that he just wanted to help get me in the mood, since after the baby I was not as interested in sex. One time he convinced me to send him some pictures–and now he threatens me with them, saying that he will show my sister what a tramp I am if I cannot keep him happy. – Dee”

Direct Physical Violations - The worst physical violation is rape, through the use of restraining force or physical violence–but there are many types of physical sexual violations. Among them are sexual acts that are performed while someone is sleeping or intoxicated, unwanted sexual touch, someone being forced to engage in an unwanted act in order to avoid other types of abuse, or sex continuing while a husband ignores tears or other expressions of discomfort. Sadly, I have heard many stories of Christian women who were raped on their honeymoons. They were conditioned early on in their marriages to be compliant–or else to be terrorized.

“More than once I have woken up in the middle of the might with my husband on top of me. I do not remember having initiated sex when this happens, but he has told me that I did. Do you think it is possible that I wouldn’t remember that? -- Susan”

“One day on our honeymoon I just wanted to go out and have a nice dinner and relax. When we got back, I wanted to talk and cuddle. My new husband kept advancing physically, and I kept putting him off in a playful way. I do not understand what happened next. All of a sudden, he got this odd look in his eye and said, “You cannot disrespect and reject me. I cannot stand for our marriage to start off like this.” The next thing I knew, he had pinned me down and was physically forcing himself on me. I could tell he was angry. I was terrified, so I did not resist. I had never seen him like that before. To this day, I cannot understand how he could do that to me while I was crying. Did he not care that he was hurting me? -- Janet”

“These types of abuse are disturbing and have no place in a godly marriage. They shatter all safety, trust, and mutuality in the marriage relationship. Wives who endure sexual abuse in their homes are subjected to a tremendous amount of stress, which often wreaks havoc on their bodies and hearts. This stress is often what brings them to counseling.”

In the next article, I will cover the impacts of sexual abuse that Darby has laid out in her book. The impacts are devastating. 

Thanks to one of HAVEN’s Domestic Abuse Advocates for sharing this important information.