Christ and His Church: An Exhortation to Husbands
By Jim Hoogendoorn
The picture of Christ as the husband of His church is one of the richest & most meaningful pictures we have in the Scriptures. The applications of this truth are practically endless. The purpose of this article is to show how Jesus exemplifies the role of male leadership and headship for us, and to bring a few practical applications to those principles.
I chose to look at Ephesians 5 because it is probably the most recognized and applied text on marriage (also the passage my wife and I chose for our wedding text). The focus of this article will be the exhortation for husbands to love their wives (25-33a). Love your wife even as Christ loves His church.
Ephesians 5
22 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.
23 For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the savior of the body.
24 Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.
25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;
26 That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word,
27 That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish.
28 So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself.
29 For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church:
30 For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones.
31 For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh.
32 This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church.
33 Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.
So, let’s explore what this love looks like.
Christs Sacrificial Love:
He gave Himself for her (the church). Every aspect of Christ’s incarnation and suffering was done out of love for His bride the church. We have a Savior that knows our frame and our infirmities. He didn’t need to go through all His earthly trials leading up to His crucifixion so that He could have that knowledge. Rather, He did it so that we may grasp the reality that we have a personal Savior that is acquainted with our limitations. This is a sacrificial love that in all facets of life puts the object of that love first. “For we know that all things work together for the good of them that love God” (Romans 8:28). All activities, seen and unseen, are directed towards her good; nothing is done that will put that love or the benefit of that bond in jeopardy. This means that you are the same man when you are loving your wife in the home as you are in the workplace and when out with the guys. (Consistency in this respect is one of the best ways to reflect Christ and the church in your marriage to those around you.) You pray for her and for your marriage both at the dinner table and in private. “Hereby we perceive the love of God, because He laid down His life for us” (1 John 3:14). He laid down His life for us. When you enter marriage, you make a commitment to daily sacrifice yourself for the good of your wife. You commit to loving her more than you love yourself. You promise to live your life with her benefit and wellbeing (physical, spiritual, mental, and emotional) at the heart of everything you do. This might not sound pleasant, but when a marriage exemplifies this, it truly will bring husband and wife to a tighter grasp of their relationship with and love for their Savior.
Another point I’d like to make here is that sacrificial love will require us to fight against our natural tendencies. I don’t think it a stretch to say that most men are not naturally inclined to be very empathetic; instead, we like to employ a solution to every need. Our pilgrimage through life is fraught with problems that don’t have solutions. Those problems lead us to trust in God. Learn to give your wife a spiritual hug instead of a list of to-dos. Hebrews 4: 15 “For we have not an high priest which cannot be touched with the feeling of our infirmities; but was in all points tempted like as we are, yet without sin.” Know your wife’s troubles and infirmities. Know her on a deeply emotional level so that you can recognize when she’s having trouble, and you can draw her out to share her struggles in the trust that your love won’t waver. A great example of drawing out is found in Luke 8: 43-48 in Jesus’ interaction with the woman with the issue of blood. Jesus could have easily left the situation alone, knowing that the physical need had been resolved. Rather, he drew her out of the crowd to address the deeper need. In drawing her out, He was able to build her up spiritually by giving words of comfort and peace. In the same way, when your wife approaches you with a problem or seems distant, draw her out with communication. Ask questions, listen intently, draw out the actual need. Some problems may only need a practical solution, however, often the solution is merely to show grace and empathy and express to her your love and the love of her Savior. Much like our spiritual lives, being told to do this or do that only builds our feelings of inadequacy. The same applies in marriage. As much as we need the spiritual compassion of the gospel of grace, your wife needs a physical hug and the empathy and care of her husband.
A Sanctifying Love:
Sanctification in its simplest form is to set apart or cause to be holy. Our lives of sanctification are the effect of the work of the Holy Spirit in our hearts, but how are we to exemplify this in marriage? While we cannot sanctify our wives, we get some clues on how to help her in the life of sanctification in verses 26-27.
What can we learn from “washing of water by the word”? Our admonition here as husbands is to bring our wives the Word, and in doing so, to bring her to The Word Jesus Christ. This is also done with gentleness and grace. James 3: 17 “But the wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, and easy to be intreated, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality, and without hypocrisy.” Husbands, we are to be spiritual leaders of our wives knowing that we are equal heirs of salvation, but that we have the greater responsibility to their welfare, being made their head. Knowing this, our words to our wives ought to be Christ-like, shepherding her heart with all the care shown in Psalm 23.
Knowing then that our sins have been washed away by the sacrificial love of our Savior, how can we practice sacrificial love for our wives? In John 13, we see Jesus’ instruction on this principle “14 If I then, your Lord and Master, have washed your feet; ye also ought to wash one another's feet. 15 For I have given you an example, that ye should do as I have done to you.” He the Incarnate Son of God, humbled himself to do the work of the lowest of servants. Matthew 20: 26 “But it shall not be so among you: but whosoever will be great among you, let him be your minister; 27 And whosoever will be chief among you, let him be your servant: 28 Even as the Son of man came not to be ministered unto, but to minister, and to give his life a ransom for many.” The word minister in these verses can be translated servant. This concept is contrary to human nature. But in God’s eyes, greatness in His Kingdom is measured by humble service, not by being served. The man with a servant’s heart is a man that is easy to follow. Matthew 11: 29 “Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” Headship ought never to be used as a cloak of maliciousness and a husband should never expect submission in the Biblical context if he refuses to take on the role of biblical servant headship.
Christ presents her not having spot or wrinkle… holy and without blemish:
Here we have an aspect of the picture that gets a bit difficult to connect. I think a way in which we can look at this concept is to view your wife through the lens which God sees her. She is precious to Him by the merit of Christs redemption and as such ought to be treated as a daughter of the King.
In the Christian marriage, you walk hand in hand through life with a daughter of your God. God has chosen her to be sanctified and glorified. This fact should make the Godly husband tremble. The God of all creation, Creator of all things, Who has the power to destroy both body and soul, sees your every interaction, knows your every thought and motive toward your wife (His daughter). In Jeremiah 29: 11 we read “For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.” Let our thoughts and motives be those of peace towards our wives. Give no place to bitterness or grudges. Do not let your action or reactions be a cause for her to sin. You have a greater responsibility as head to bring resolution to conflict. That may look like being the first to say “I’m sorry for…” expressing how you have hurt her, or a gentle expression of how you have been hurt, or even extending forgiveness when it wasn’t asked for. There has never and will never be a marriage in which forgiveness shouldn’t play a key role. The attitude of “an eye for an eye” has no place in marriage. Jesus displayed perfect love in which he took everything we deserved upon himself. Husbands, in the calling set before you as head, you are called to do the hard work and the heavy lifting. Not only in providing physically for your family, but in the spiritual, mental, and emotional realms. Yes, we are made differently, and yes, your wife likely has more gifts in the emotional and mental realms; I’m no exception to this. Pray for ability in this realm and ask for your wife’s encouragement. You may be surprised by the results. Put in the hard work, overcome the discomfort, guide her, pray with her, and cry with her. Know this, it will be required of you: How did you care for MY daughter? I’d like to insert here that this should serve as an admonition to fathers as well as husbands. There are typically two relationships that are formative to a woman’s view of God: that with her father, and with her husband. We profess to believe that our salvation (and, then also, the very love of our God) is based on no merit of our own. Why then would we as husbands and fathers instill the belief in our daughter or wife that her value is intrinsically related to her performance, or to the value that she brings to the relationship? Her value is intrinsically related to the fact that she belongs to our Heavenly Father, Who has graciously allowed me to care for her. Strive to show Christ’s attributes, that you may be a help rather than a hinderance in her spiritual life.
Love her as your own flesh:
Marriage takes two and makes them one. Taking up the negative first, to walk in bitterness toward your wife is to hate your own flesh. If someone is engaging in self-harm, we would rightly assess that that person is in deep need of both psychological and spiritual help. Let us not overlook the fact that we are being instructed in verses 28-30 that any type of destructive behavior in marriage is not normal or God honoring. If you are prone to having a temper: that’s not just a personality trait that your wife should learn to deal with, it’s destructive behavior. Go to the cross in repentance and seek Gods help to overcome it. If you are drawn to porn: that’s not because your wife isn’t fulfilling you in some way. Take responsibility, seek forgiveness, and flee from that sin. Maybe you’re not engaging in those types of sins. Maybe you’re emotionally distant from your wife, or you don’t have time to deal with her struggles, or they seem unimportant to you. Regardless of the reasons that we want to push off responsibility, it is still ours. It is no different than Adam in the garden shifting the blame to Eve and ultimately to God when he added “that Thou gavest me.” Are you finding blame shifting easier than self-reflection? Are you seeing your wife as unsubmissive or nagging? You, the husband, have been given the responsibility of being the head. Examine yourself first. Am I submitting to the Lord? Am I displaying Christ’s sacrificial love? Am I leading with love and tenderness? I am not trying to say here that your wife will not sin against you if you are doing things right. It will happen. The point I’m trying to drive home is every man’s sinful tendency of deferral of accountability. Honest self-reflection and accountability before reaction, in almost every situation, will lead to a compassionate response. Remember that none of our struggles are insignificant to our Savior. Mirror that. Destructive behavior in marriage not only does spiritual damage to your wife but to you also.
Positively, seeking to be a Christ-like husband will serve to grow and strengthen the bond of marriage. Nourish that bond by being in the Word together. Know her needs (physical, spiritual, mental, and emotional) well enough to pray for them. Pray; what greater way to express our love for our wife and our care for her wellbeing than to lift up her needs to the One that has the power to fulfill those needs, and also has the power to transform us and give us the ability to care for her needs. A verse that should be daily applied in marriage is John 5: 16 “Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.” Only God has the power to transform our hearts to faithfully walk in the bond of marriage, and He has so beautifully designed this bond that in it, we can see His love for us. The bond of marriage is a gracious way that our bond with Christ is made very personal. Grasp that truth. Hold onto your marriage and love your wife. Know the grace and love that you stand in need of, and show that grace and love in the closest earthly bond that we are given.
We also see in this admonition the law of love. Love your neighbor as yourself, here commanded in relation to the closest earthly bond we have. How do we show where we stand in relation to the first table of the law but by displaying it in relation to the second table, and loving our neighbor? We so often take out our frustrations on those closest to us. This is one of the many reasons that the Gospel message is so vitally important. It drives us to a deeper understanding of the vastness of the divide between us and God that He pursued us through when we were yet sinners. It leads us to the Cross, where we see our Savior Who suffered the depths of hell and conquered the grave for our salvation. It shows us that we have a Savior that pursues us when we wander from the fold, who holds us and heals us when we are broken, who shows mercy when we are in the pits of despair, and who loves us when we are the most undeserving. The more we grasp the wonder of the Gospel, the more we can emulate the characteristics of our blessed Savior.
To wives: This has been a strong admonition to your husband. It is not intended to beat him up for his failures, rather to encourage him to dig deep and seek God’s help for the strength to carry out his duties. Be an encouragement to him. Encourage him to be a man of prayer. Help him to set time aside for devotions both together and alone. Build him up when he succeeds. Be his cheerleader. Pray for him often and fervently. You are a help meet for him. That is not “helpmeet” or helper as some would define it. Rather, help meet or fit for him. That means that you are peculiarly made to walk with your husband. God has given you particular gifts to build him up in his need and vice versa. Believe in him. Believe that by God’s grace, he can fulfill the calling set before him. I’ve told my wife this and I hope you can take encouragement from it as well: When a man has a wife that believes in and encourages him (is his cheerleader), that man can move mountains!
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