Churches Please Ask For Help
- 26 minutes ago
- 8 min read
Learning from Each Other's Mistakes
As an advocate at HAVEN who has sat with many victims, I am writing this post from a heart that is yearning for a better way.
From a place of seeing the same mistakes being made over and over again. Harmful mistakes that do not have to take place.
I write this as one who has walked with these churches, elders, victims, and families.
As one who has helped these churches understand, as one who has worked in the trenches with many tears and heartbreaks,
Here's something I see far too often, and it breaks my heart.
Church A makes many mistakes in handling an abuse case.
Church B, unaware of what happened at the church down the road, makes the exact same mistakes in handling their abuse case.
Then Church C does it again.
Each church, working in isolation, repeats the same painful errors, and each time, victims are re-traumatized, churches are left discouraged, and perpetrators are harmed by being enabled rather than held accountable.
This is where wisdom calls us to a different path. Proverbs 12:15 says, "The way of a fool is right in his own eyes: but he that hearkeneth unto counsel is wise."
When churches try to navigate abuse situations alone, believing they can figure it out as they go, they're unknowingly walking a path that others have already walked and stumbled on.
But it doesn't have to be this way.
When a church reaches out to an advocate for help, it bypasses that painful learning phase.
They don't have to make the same mistakes everyone else has made.
An advocate brings the collective wisdom of years of education, the experience of handling many cases, and the hard-won lessons other churches learned at great cost to victims and themselves.
Proverbs 19:20 reminds us, "Hear counsel, and receive instruction, that thou mayest be wise in thy latter end. "
An advocate helps churches gain wisdom without having to learn it through their own failures.
Failures that leave victims more wounded, churches more burdened with regret, and abusers more entrenched in their patterns.
Working in isolation may seem like a way to protect the church's autonomy.
The approach, "we'll handle this ourselves," often stems from good intentions but leads to predictable harm.
And that's exactly why HAVEN exists, not to do the church's work, but to be a resource, a tool, a partner.
We've walked this road dozens of times.
We know where the pitfalls are.
We can help you avoid them, not because we're smarter, but because we've seen what works and what doesn't, often at great cost to those who came before you.
A Story of Partnership Done Right
Throughout our years at HAVEN, we've witnessed something remarkable: when churches reach out early and partner with advocates, the outcomes are healing and transformative, not just for victims, but for church leaders themselves.
Scripture calls us to "Bear ye one another's burdens, and so fulfil the law of Christ" (Galatians 6:2).
This amazing team of churches and advocates working together is not just a beautiful picture of the body of Christ functioning as it should, but also a powerful demonstration of our shared purpose and unity in addressing domestic abuse.
There is one woman I will never forget; her story still brings tears to my eyes.
A victim came to her church leadership deeply hurt and betrayed, not only by her spouse but by previous experiences with the church. She had every reason to keep her walls up, to stay silent, to protect herself from further harm.
But something different happened this time.
The elders didn't come in acting like they had all the answers.
They invited her advocate into the conversation from the beginning.
This team (elders and advocate together) approached the situation with humility and a willingness to learn.
The elders listened. They were gentle, honest, and patient. They embodied James 1:19: "Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath."
When they didn't understand something, they didn't jump to admonishment.
They asked questions. They called the advocate regularly: "How do I say this?" "Is there a better way to approach this?" "What am I missing?"
The advocate helped them understand the victim's story. Organizing years of confusing incidents into clear patterns, explaining trauma responses that seemed contradictory, and showing them the small signs that trust was slowly being rebuilt, even when progress felt invisible.
And here's what happened: over time, that deeply wounded woman began to trust again.
She opened up to the elders. A relationship formed. She found her voice.
The elders were able to do their work correctly, making informed, wise decisions because they had the full picture.
It took years.
It was hard work.
But it was beautiful.
A living testimony to Psalm 147:3: "He healeth the broken in heart, and bindeth up their wounds."
What Makes the Difference?
When churches contact HAVEN early, we see this kind of transformation happen again and again.
Early intervention is crucial in abuse cases, as it can prevent further harm and facilitate healing.
Here's what partnership looks like:
For the Victim:
From the very beginning, she has someone in her corner who can help organize what's been happening to her.
Victims often share their stories in fragments, jumping from something that happened ten years ago to something from last week, sometimes minimizing, sometimes backtracking.
Without understanding trauma, this can seem confusing or even contradictory.
An advocate plays a crucial role in this process by helping present the victim's information to church leaders in a clear, organized, and understandable manner.
Instead of isolated incidents that might seem minor on their own, the advocate helps identify patterns of behavior that tell the real story.
As Proverbs 18:17 reminds us, "He that is first in his own cause seemeth just; but his neighbour cometh and searcheth him."
Advocates ensure the victim's full story is heard and understood, providing a professional perspective that complements the church's pastoral care.
For the Church Leaders:
Elders can actually do their work correctly.
They can make informed decisions, educated decisions, use wisdom in how to help the victim, and hold the abuser accountable.
In one experience, a victim was having physical reactions and kept changing her story, telling elders about the abuse, but then quickly adding, "but he really isn't that bad, he's a great guy."
Without understanding trauma bonding and fear responses, this behavior was confusing to the elders, and they were left trying to figure it out and getting it wrong.
The advocate could explain what was happening and why, helping the elders understand the correct approach.
Suddenly, what seemed contradictory made perfect sense. They knew how to respond with compassion and clarity.
For Everyone:
There's a sense of relief, a team works together, moving at the victim's pace, keeping her safe and involved every step of the way.
God's love is displayed in tangible ways.
Why Expertise Matters
I want to share something from my own experience as an advocate that illustrates why this partnership is so crucial.
We once sat down with an abuser who, on the surface, sounded deeply sorry and genuinely upset.
Honestly, my heartstrings nearly gave way. I wanted to believe him, to feel sympathy because he sounded so remorseful.
But because we had all the background information and truly understood the dynamics at play, we recognized his apologies as part of a recurring pattern with this man: manipulation, twisted truth, casting himself as the victim.
It was incredibly hard. I wanted him to be genuinely sorry. But that genuine remorse never materialized.
The victim, advocate, elders, and abuser all benefited from this help.
Here's the crucial part: the elders in this case would have fallen for it too.
Without the proper information from the victim and advocate, they would have seen the same remorseful man and believed him.
However, because we were working together as a team, including the victim, advocate, and elders, everyone had the full picture.
The elders could make wise decisions.
The victim was protected.
And the abuser also benefited from being held accountable to the truth rather than being enabled in his deception.
And in the end, he sadly showed himself for who he really was.
Once he realized he could no longer manipulate anyone. His tactics turned not just on the victim but on the elders and the church. It became very clear what we were dealing with.
And that's exactly why HAVEN exists, not to do the church's work, but to be a resource, a tool, a partner.
Our Role: Assistance, Not Takeover
I know there are misconceptions about HAVEN. Some think we're trying to do the elders' work or break churches apart. I want to be clear: that's not who we are.
Our actual role is assistance.
We help church leaders obtain accurate information to make informed decisions.
We stay in our lane by providing expertise in abuse dynamics, victim advocacy, and trauma responses.
The elders stay in their lane, providing spiritual leadership, church discipline, and pastoral care.
It's a partnership. A team effort.
Proverbs 15:22 tells us, "Without counsel purposes are disappointed: But in the multitude of counsellors they are established."
We're not here to replace the church's authority. We're here to be one of those advisers, bringing specialized knowledge to help plans succeed.
The elders we work with aren't weak or incapable.
They're humble and wise enough to know that to do their work correctly, they need help with something they don't encounter every day.
Proverbs 11:14 echoes this wisdom: "Where no counsel is, the people fall: but in the multitude of counsellors there is safety."
We've been trained for this.
We work with abuse situations almost daily.
We can help elders determine if they're dealing with abuse or simply destructive behavior in a marriage.
When everyone stays in their lane and works together, beautiful things happen.
The Transformation We See
When churches partner with HAVEN:
Victims feel safe enough to find their voice
Church leaders feel equipped and confident in their decisions
The process moves at a pace the victim can handle
Trust is rebuilt. Sometimes, even between victims and the church that previously hurt them
Elders receive encouragement too (this work can be hard and thankless; advocates help them see when their work is working)
Elders benefit from the 'advocate's knowledge, gaining wisdom and helpful and compassionate experience in this area, which leads to stronger relationships in the church.
Everyone experiences relief and witnesses God's redemptive love in action
A Call to Partnership
If you're a church leader facing a situation involving potential abuse, please don't try to navigate it alone.
If you're a victim or know someone who is, please encourage them to seek out an experienced advocate.
Contact HAVEN. Ask questions. Find out more.
This work is messy, confusing, and emotionally charged.
When churches and advocates work together with humility and a willingness to learn, we see victims find healing, churches become safer, and God's love shines into the darkest places.
We're not here to criticize or take over. We're here to partner with you, to walk alongside you, to help you get it right.
Because when we work together, lives are transformed. Trust is rebuilt. Voices are restored. And God is glorified.
And that's worth every hard conversation, every phone call, every year it takes.
Let's do this work together.
To learn more about how HAVEN can partner with your church or to find an experienced advocate, please visit our website at havenofmercypr.org